They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting
what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of
life.  Let's face it: That's the American way.
                -- Jeffery M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District
                                   of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers.

"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
                -- C. A. R. Hoare

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating
one peanut.
                -- Channing Pollock

The Law of the Letter:
        The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.

State license plates we'd like to see:

           NEVADA                               MASSACHUSETTS
          LVME 10DR                               OW-A CAH

           HAWAII                               WISCONSIN
           L-O HA                                CHEDDAR

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
        -- Jean Giradoux

Give me your students, your secretaries,
Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's.
Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me.
I lift my disk beside the processor.
                -- Inscription on a Word Processor

Have the courage to take your own thoughts
seriously, for they will shape you.
                -- Albert Einstein

Have the courage to take your own thoughts
seriously, for they will shape you.
                -- Albert Einstein

Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull
a sled through the snow.

Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle
of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of
                -- Walter Lippmann

Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider
        themselves to be above average drivers.

To understand this important story, you have to understand how the
telephone company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local
computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
                -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own

A budget is just a method of worrying
before you spend money, as well as afterward.

Though I respect that a lot
I'd be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and
Countless screaming argonauts

Bluebird of friendliness
Like guardian angels it's
Always near

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

                -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants

In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he
thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent
teacher should know.  "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
said, "up to the mathematicians."
                -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985

A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea.  The island
on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed
and exhausted, to a thick stake.  They then proceeded to cut his arms
with their spears and drink his blood.  This continued for several days
until the castaway could stand no more.  He yelled for the cannibal chief
and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the
spears has got to stop.  Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks."

Don't let go of what you've got hold of,
until you have hold of something else.
                -- First Rule of Wing Walking

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

Have no friends not equal to yourself.
                -- Confucius

You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations

        Sign on a cathedral in Spain:
                It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
                dressed as a man.

        Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
                Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
                or similar.

        On a Bucharest elevator:

                The lift is being fixed for the next days.
                During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

                -- Colin Bowles

Chamberlain's Laws:
        1: The big guys always win.
        2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

        "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a
        horse with one of the horns broken off."

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
        -- Robert Moses

It's a bird..
It's a plane..
No, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue.
Doing new kernel versions in under 5 seconds flat..
        -- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27

              The STAR WARS Song
        Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
        S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
        Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
        Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
                -- Oscar Wilde

Q:      What do WASP's do instead of making love?
A:      Rule the country.

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
                -- W. Churchill, on formal declarations of war

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
                -- Susan Ertz

Amazing things are all around us but most people never find them